Grief is not a single emotion

The complexity of grief

Grief is a constellation of feelings, experiences, and responses that can contradict, overlap, and shift in unpredictable ways. It can be a profound and often terrifying loss, and it’s also an expression of love and attachment.

If you are grieving, you may feel sad, but you may also experience anger, guilt, relief, confusion, numbness, anxiety, loneliness, or even moments of joy when remembering good times. Sometimes, these emotions hit simultaneously, which can be disorienting. You might find yourself laughing at a memory one moment and sobbing the next, or feeling angry at someone for dying, even though you know that’s not rational.

The physical and emotional impact of grief

Grief can also manifest physically. You might experience exhaustion, changes in appetite, or aches. Cognitively, you may face difficulty concentrating or forgetfulness. Behaviourally, grief can lead to withdrawing from others or, conversely, filling every moment with activity. It affects how we relate to and feel safe in the world, as well as our sense of identity, especially when we’ve lost someone central to our lives.

Misunderstanding the stages of grief

The idea that grief follows neat ‘stages’ has been largely misunderstood. While Kübler-Ross identified common experiences, this was initially intended to describe what dying patients themselves often experienced when facing their own terminal diagnosis - not necessarily what bereaved people go through after a loss.

The model was later applied to grief and bereavement more generally, but it was often oversimplified into a sort of roadmap for how people were “supposed” to feel, which can be harmful. Stages of grief don’t necessarily happen in order, and not everyone experiences all of them. Many people feel that grief is more like waves (or even tsunamis) that ebb and flow, catching you off guard long after you thought you’d found your footing.

Grief is non-linear. How people grieve varies hugely depending on the relationship, the circumstances of the loss, and factors such as cultural background and personal psychology.

Seeking support in grief

If you are grieving right now, know this: you are not doing it wrong. If you need support, take it. If counselling isn’t affordable to you, there are wonderful charities that offer free help, such as Cruse Bereavement Support, Sue Ryder, and Nelson's Journey.

Finding comfort in memories

In the midst of grief, it can be helpful to find comfort in memories. Creating a memory box, scrapbook, or digital album and reflecting on the good times shared with your loved one can bring moments of joy, even amidst the sadness. These memories can serve as a reminder of the love that still exists, despite the physical absence.

The importance of self-care

During this challenging time, self-care is crucial. Ensure you are taking care of your physical health by eating well and keeping hydrated, getting enough sleep, and engaging in gentle exercise. Sometimes focussing on your basic needs is enough.

Mental health is equally important. Consider journaling your thoughts or speaking to a trusted friend or counsellor about your feelings.

Understanding grief and grieving

Grief is experienced differently across cultures. Some cultures have specific rituals and practices to honour the deceased, while others may approach grief more privately. Understanding these differences can provide insight into your own grieving process and help you navigate your feelings. There are some wonderful books and podcasts available that you might find helpful at this time:

Podcasts

1. Griefcast: A British podcast hosted by Cariad Lloyd exploring grief through compassionate, often humorous conversations with people about death and loss. It’s widely recognised in the UK and has won British podcast awards.

2. Grief Kind: Produced in the UK by Sue Ryder, hosted by author and journalist Clover Stroud, featuring UK voices and celebrity guests sharing personal bereavement experiences.

3. The Grief Gang: A UK podcast hosted by Amber Jeffrey that focuses on grief and bereavement. Episodes include personal reflections and conversations with guests about different experiences of loss, with the aim of normalising grief and helping listeners feel less alone.

Books

1. It’s OK That You’re Not OK - Megan Devine: A compassionate, non-prescriptive guide to grief that validates emotional experience.

2. You Are Not Alone - Cariad Lloyd: Insightful reflections and support for people navigating grief, inspired by stories shared on Griefcast.

3. Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving - Julia Samuel: A UK grief psychotherapist shares real stories and coping insights.

4. The Complete Grief Support Guide - Jane Dixon: A supportive overview of grief with journal prompts and coping guidance.

The role of community in grief

Community support can be invaluable during times of loss. Surrounding yourself with understanding friends and family can provide comfort. Joining a support group can also help you connect with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Sharing your story can be a powerful way to process your grief.

Conclusion

Grief is a complex journey that each person navigates differently. It is important to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself the space to grieve. Remember, you are not alone in this experience. Seek support when needed, and take the time to care for yourself. Embrace the memories, and know that healing is a gradual process.

If you are looking for more resources or support, consider reaching out to professionals or organisations that specialise in grief and bereavement. They can provide guidance and help you through this difficult time.